‘Five-minutes to orgasm’ isn’t really something you’d go shouting from the rooftops. But after trying this meditation, don’t be surprised if you’re climbing the stairs.
Developed by clinical psychologist and co-author of Mindful Relationships, Dr. Richard Chambers, this five-minute exercise is designed to strengthen your tend/befriend circuits – the neurological pathways that allow you to stay emotionally connected with others, even when under stress. By learning how to activate these circuits, you teach yourself how to relax and remain present during intercourse when you begin to feel vulnerable or ill at ease.
Since orgasms are often hindered by our inability to relax, this exercise can help you get there. According to Chambers, this five-minute meditation will enable you to destress and dismiss distractions that prevent you from reaching climax. It will also train your body to remain intimate with your partner when you are feeling out of comfort, which Chambers says is the difference between sex and great sex.
You may have read about the amazing effects meditation can have on your sex life, and now it’s time to put it into practice. Erase images of a tantric séance from your mind, this is a quite exercise you can do on your own. Find a peaceful spot and take five minutes from your day. Practice it regularly on the cushion and notice the difference between the sheets.
Exercise: Activating Your Tend/Befriend Circuits
Take a moment to pause and sense your way into your body.
Notice what sensations are around. Notice any thoughts that are around and simply allow them to come and go. Tune in a little deeper and become aware of your emotional state. Simply note any emotions that are around without thinking about them or passing judgement. If you can, name the emotional state you are experiencing.
Next, give yourself permission to have the emotion.
Recognise that all emotions are normal parts of the human experience, and serve a purpose. Pleasant emotions like love, joy and so forth show us that we like what we are experiencing. They motivate us to seek experiences like this. On the other hand, strong unpleasant emotions like anger and sadness give us very useful information about needs that are not being met and boundaries that may be being violated.
Say to yourself, silently, “This is (whatever emotion you are experiencing) and is a completely normal human emotion. It is totally ok that I am experiencing this right now.” Cultivate an attitude of loving acceptance to whatever you are experiencing. Bring this same unconditional friendly attitude toward any physical sensations and thoughts you are experiencing too.
Now bring to mind people you love – people you care for and who care for you.
Perhaps your partner or children, a family member, a friend, even a pet. Take a moment to really sense them in front of you. See their faces, one by one. If there are lots of people who come to mind, hold each in mind for a short time before moving on to the next. If there are moments of hurt or disappointment in the relationship with the people you are sensing in front of you (which is usually the case), just focus here on the sense of love and support.
Tune into the sense of love and care flowing from you to them and them to you. Take a few moments to really enjoy this feeling. Can you notice the feeling of oxytocin being released? This is what it feels like to be run by our tend/befriend circuits.
If you want more from Dr. Richard Chambers, stay tuned for his next mindfulness course.